


Loki vs. Earth

by Lowkey_Assgard



Category: British Actor RPF, Loki - Fandom, Loki: Agent of Asgard, Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Loki One Shot Series, Loki has a love/hate relationship with Earth, Loki is a evil mastermind but can’t understand earth inventions, Loki is disappointed by humans, Loki is so dramatic, Loki pissed off by earth objects, Loki stop being so smug, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:21:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 20,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23263882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lowkey_Assgard/pseuds/Lowkey_Assgard
Summary: This is a one shot series that will be Loki pissed off by earth objects that he doesn’t understand or finds absolutely useless.
Relationships: Loki (Marvel)/Original Character(s), Loki (Marvel)/Original Female Character(s), Loki (Marvel)/Reader
Comments: 36
Kudos: 54
Collections: Quarantine One Shots





	1. Loki Vs. Cargo Shorts

**Author's Note:**

> Loki really hates cargo shorts. That’s it. That’s the whole one shot. Enjoy!

Loki stared at himself in the mirror questioning why anyone in their right mind would want to wear these.. 

He was in cargo shorts. Thor had talked him into wearing them because something about needed vitamins from the sun. 

Loki hated the sun. It made his skin burn and his eyes hurt. He didn’t know how Midgardians took pleasure in sitting out in the sun for hours. Since coming to Midgard on the orders of Thor he watched in disappointment and confusion. 

He didn’t come here in his own accords. He came here because he is attempting to be better. He had done a lot of wrong in the past. Some would even say murderous. He didn’t remember much of that time ; just that he wanted to not be that person anymore. He wanted the humans and his people to respect and adore him. To chant his name when he walked in the room. To whisper fondly of their great admiration for the God of Mischief. 

So Loki set out on a conquest to be more than just the God of Mischief. . He did favors for his brother and Valkyrie. He would help the people. Yes help. It made Loki cringe at the words but really it wasn’t so bad. 

What was bad was these shorts. These hideous shorts that did nothing for his figure and made him look like a old man. They were black which was a plus but they were loose fitting and just hideous. There was so many pockets and yet none of them big enough to fit anything that Loki wished to carry. He wanted to carry his knife and yet every time he tried to put it in the pocket it cut through. 

When Loki saw Thor he would give him a peace of his mind. How dare Thor send loki these shorts and call them a gift. This is no gift. This is a contraception that belonged in that Midgardian hell. How dare he joke about Loki showing his long legs off. His brother was a nuance like that. Trying to help him be better but made sure he hated every moment of it. 

“Get some sun. Show off those legs. Smile at people. Who does he think I am Steve Rogers?” Loki mocked his brother. 

He spun around to try to see how the back half of him looked like. Nothing. Flat as a cutting board. A damn travesty these cargo shorts were. How was he supposed to go out and save the world in shorts that couldn’t even support him?? 

Loki groaned. He knew there was no getting out of this so he picked up his knife and shoved it into the pocket near his knee. At least there it would stay in place. 

Loki took the first step our of the room when he cried out in pain. 

“AHH JOTUN.” He looked down to see the blue knife pierced into his knee. 

Oh, Thor better watch himself. When Loki got to him he would make him pay. Give him his own hell contraception. 

“AHH” Loki groaned out again when the knife pierced into his knee even more. He was a god. He could take a little knife play. He would march to the town square blood dripping and all. 

Loki didn’t make it out of the house before crying out in defeat. He pulled the bloody knife and figured the next best spot would be up by his waist to prevent it from being lodged or knocked out. These damn cargo shorts would pay for by the end of the day he would use his knife to cut them into pieces and rightfully burn them. 

Loki went to stick the knife in the pocket by his waist when he heard a clank on the floor. He looked down and there was his knife. He didn’t understand. How did it already fall out? He reached over and picked it back up. He tried again only to see his knife land back on the floor. With his blood boiling he looked down to expect there was actually a pocket there. Just a fake outline

“Fake pockets? Is there anything humans don’t fake?” 

He carried his knife in his hand while he pettily walked to the square to meet his brother. When Thor saw him he immediately laughed so hard he almost fell over.

If looks could kill Thor would be six feet under. 

“What? You said you wanted to be more than the God of Mischief. So I thought why not God of Cargo Shorts.” Thor said. 

Loki threw his knife landing it in the wood pole that stood beside his brother. “N-Not funny” 

Loki never wore cargo shorts again.


	2. Loki vs. Umbrellas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki is quite puzzled when he finds his brothers hammer in the streets of New York.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 2 of the quarantine series. I’m laughing so hard at this that I have genuinely gave myself a belly ache. I hope someone else finds this as hilarious as I do. I hope all of you are well and safe.

Author’s Note: Hi. I started something called the quarantine series. It’s going to be a series of fun and light hearted one shots to help readers and other writers get through this hard time. I made a a03 collection and a tumblr tag. To join just write a fun, soft, and/or light hearted one shot and post it to the collection @Quarantine_Series or tag it on tumblr as #quarantine series. Anyways enjoy!

It was a dark and cloudy day when Loki was walking through the streets to find his way to the nearest bar. He didn’t care much for Midgardian alcohol but he would take what he could get. He had been living on Earth for a few weeks and still had much to get used to. To be honest he didn’t care much for Earth. It was dirty, smelled horribly, and the people acted as though they lacked common sense and any desire for real pleasure. Loki thought that at least on Earth he could have fun but all people wanted to do was sit at home in front of a tv. They had no clue what they were missing. 

The wind blew awfully hard as Loki picked up his pace. He crossed his arms to attempt to block the wind from seeping into his black jacket. It hadn’t rained yet but Loki knew if he didn’t reach his destination soon he would find himself soaked. 

Loki turned the corner onto Pine Street and there laid his brother hammer. Well not the actual hammer but the disguise of Thor’s hammer. Loki found that strange. Was his brother near by? No, Thor should be in Asgard tending to the people. He wouldn’t just leave it here. Would he? Was this a trick to test Loki’s true intentions on Earth. 

Loki couldn’t resist the temptation or the curiosity. He walked over to it and kneeled before it. He stared at it. It looked like what his brother used while on Midgard. Loki reached out a finger and poked the contraception. With the weight of his finger it moved. If that was his brother hammer it wouldn’t have moved? Only if…. Loki quickly grabbed it and felt it easily lift up. Was he worthy? Was he finally worthy?

He thrusted the contraception into the air and closed his eyes in preparation for the power that would surge through him and the device. Nothing happened. Was he doing this right? Loki tried again but this time let out a mighty holler. Nothing. Loki opened his eyes and noticed there was a button on the side of the device. Ahh this must be it. Ready to finally be worthy and good, Loki thrusted it into the sky as he hit the button. The top of the contraception came open and blocked the sun from view. 

This wasn’t his brothers hammer. It was an imposter. A human must have made this and be walking around the city pretending to be Thor. When Loki found this man or maybe even woman he would put an end to their identity thief ways. 

In the meantime Loki would get rid of this contraception to avoid anyone else picking it up and deciding to be an imposter. Loki began to hit it the device off the concrete but all the device did was scrunch up the top. It was stronger than he thought. He would just throw it far away so it couldn’t be found. Loki took and threw it in the air as far as he could. He turned to walk back the way he came now fancying the diner down the street. 

He immediately felt something hit his back. “What the..” Loki turned around and there laid the contraception. He could not believe this. Never in his life has something been so hard to get rid of.. Now angry Loki picked the contraception back up and threw it against the concrete. The tip of the contraception hit the ground and bounced back up; hitting Loki right in the face. 

“AHH JOTUN.” Loki screamed. Now he really was pissed. He had promised to not use his powers on Earth but he would not be defeated by such a useless item. He surged up all the strength and power in his body and blasted the contraception with energy. The contraception exploded and there it laid in many pieces. 

Loki was content. He showed it who was boss. He smoothed out his jacket and continued to walk down the street. Loki triumphantly marched down the street eager to treat himself to a nice cold beverage and hot soup. Above Loki he began to hear rumbling; he looked up to feel the first drop of rain.

It quickly began to pour. Thor was angry with him but why. 

“BROTHER I DID IT FOR YOU.” Loki screamed to the sky. His clothes were drenched and his hair was beginning to stick to his face. Now he was just confused. Wet and confused. He thought he was doing a good act for someone he cared about. He was protecting his brother’s identity. 

“Excuse me sir? Do you need an umbrella?” Loki heard a man say to him. Loki looked to see that this man was holding a contraception identical to the one he just destroyed but blue. How was this possible? 

“How do you get that?” Loki snatched it from the man. 

“Woah man it’s okay. I bought it but looks like you need it more than me.” 

The man walked away. 

“Umbrella? Bought??” Loki said to himself. He looked down at the umbrella. He looked back up to realize that all of the people in the street were now carrying umbrellas. 

“So it’s true. These humans really do worship my brother. They all want to be like him.” 

Loki hit the button on the umbrella and continued to walk toward the diner. 

Who was Loki to stop people from being the people they wanted to be. Loki couldn’t judge. He switched between him and his femininity side quite often. These people were all just trying to embrace their inner god. To each their own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are laughing just wait until tomorrow when it’s Loki vs. Chinese Finger Traps. Until then drink water and take care.


	3. Loki vs. Chinese Finger Trap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki finds out the hard way that he hates Chinese finger traps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 3 of the quarantine series. I loved writing this. Not as funny but was some soft brotherly love and showed sulking Loki. Enjoy!

Author’s Note: Hi. I started something called the quarantine series. It’s going to be a series of fun and light hearted one shots to help readers and other writers get through this hard time. I made a a03 collection and a tumblr tag. To join just write a fun, soft, and/or light hearted one shot and post it to the collection @Quarantine_Series or tag it on tumblr as #quarantine series. Anyways enjoy!

Loki never truly celebrated his birthday. Birthdays weren’t a big deal to Asgardians . When you live thousands of years you just don’t see the point of celebrating every year. Loki deemed himself hard to kill; so of course he would be alive another year. He didn’t think much about his birthday or even his age. He just lived his life like there was no end to the mischief. 

Loki birthday was today and he wanted to spend the day sharpening his knives and greasing his hair. It took a lot of effort to look as good as he always did. Loki also knew that since finding out he was adopted he didn’t care much any type of celebration. What was there to celebrate? A life of lies and deceit? 

Thor had informed his brother of his return from Midgard a week prior to Loki’s birthday. Thor had said something about this year being different and wanting to give Loki something. Loki had no clue what his brother would even think of giving him. He loved his brother but giving gifts was out of the ordinary. 

Thor was definitely up to something but Loki couldn’t figure out what. 

Loki laid in his bed with the black satin sheets draped over him. He wasn’t naked. Fully dressed in his usual green and gold Asgardian clothing. He wasn’t cold. Sweating to be honest. He wasn’t tired. Completely awake. Loki was sulking. 

Loki was sulking because even though he said his birthday was no big deal not a single person had come in the search of him. No one to admire him on his day. Yes he has lived for thousands of years and didn’t see the point of celebrating every year but didn’t change the fact that he wanted to be appreciated. 

Suddenly there came a knock at the door and Loki saw his brother’s blonde hair followed by his face peek over the edge of the door.

“Brother? Are you sulking? On a fine day like this?” 

“No. I am not sulking. I am saving my energy.. for uh events.” Loki groaned out. He had no want for his brother’s cocky attitude. Of course he was sulking. The people of this place did not celebrate him. 

“Well I bring a gift.” Thor said and began to walk toward Loki’s bed. Loki sat up and rolled his eyes at his pestering brother.

“What are you waiting for?” Loki said. He just wanted to be left alone to sulk in peace. 

Instead of answering him, Thor handed Loki a woven rectangular contraption. Loki was bewildered. This was his gift. His gift of all gifts. He had heard Thor praise this gift for a week for it to be smaller than his finger and uglier than the things he saw in the Asgardian trinket shops. 

Loki was confused by the purpose of this contraception. He stuck his index finger in the one end of the contraception just to feel if there was anything hidden. To his disappointment there was not.. He tried to remove his finger to realize that it was stuck. Loki stuck in his other index finger to be able to pul the other end off. Realizing his mistake too late his fingers were completely stuck. 

“What kind of joke is this brother?” Loki hissed out.. He pulled and pulled only to find the woven material tighter around his fingers. It was stronger than any material he had ever discovered on Midgard. Why would Thor give this to him as a gift? To imprison him here? 

“No joke brother. I’ve heard you say for weeks that there is nothing on Midgard that you couldn’t overcome. How Asgardians are better than Midgardians. Well go ahead. Remove your fingers.” 

Loki let out a laugh. He should have known this was another one of Thor’s lessons. Loki didn’t think he was better than humans. He knew he was better. He had powers, knowledge, and experience far past anything their weak feeble minds could comprehend. He could get out of a simple woven contraception like this. 

“I’ll be back in an hour. Let’s see what state you’ll be in then.” With that Thor turned and left Loki alone in the room. 

For 45 minutes Loki pulled, twisted, and turned his fingers in every direction they could possibly go. He even tried to shape shift into animals just to discover that this treacherous toy was still attached to him

Loki was convinced that if he didn’t get this device off that he would lose his fingers. Who would he be then? Everyone knew that power came from your hands more than anywhere. Without full control of his hands Loki stood no chance against it. He screamed in defeat 

He might have lost but he would find a way. He would not let Thor return to see him still in entrapment. 

When Thor returned one hour later Loki was happily reading a book in his bed. He licked his index finger to turn the page and smirked at Thor. 

“Ahh Brother. You did it! See Midgard is not as bad and stupid as you wish to make it out to be. May I bring you another Midgardian gift to keep your mind churning and ego checked.” 

Loki just smiled. He said goodbye and watched as his brother left his room for the last time for who knows how long. 

As soon as Thor was gone the glimmer of the illusion faded away. There sat Loki in a state of derangement and anger. His body covered in sweat and his hair sticking to his face. His clothes were drenched with his own perspiration and his room lay in ruins. He had tried everything. Everything but the one way to release a Chinese Finger Trap. 

Loki stayed like that for 3 days until one morning he woke up and his servant had entered his room. Upon seeing his state she let out a giggle. She immediately came over and cut the material down the middle. Upon the release of his fingers he used his powers to instantly heal them. 

“Push not pull.” Loki’s servant said before leaving him with a tray of food. 

Loki sat there humiliated as it hit him by what she meant. All he had to do was push his fingers in to release the tension. All he had to do and yet for three days he suffered. 

Oh Jotun. Loki why must you make everything so complicated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated.


	4. Loki Vs. Cactus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki just wanted his new book but got something a little more spikey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 4 of the quarantine series and this warmed my heart to write. I laughed probably too much. It makes even funnier that once I grabbed a cactus with my hands cause I didn’t believe it had spikes. Some would say I’m just as dumb as Loki. Anyways Enjoy!

Author’s Note: Hi. I started something called the quarantine series. It’s going to be a series of fun and light hearted one shots to help readers and other writers get through this hard time. I made a a03 collection and a tumblr tag. To join just write a fun, soft, and/or light hearted one shot and post it to the collection @Quarantine_Series or tag it on tumblr as #quarantine series. Anyways enjoy!

Loki Odinson was not a summer kind of guy. He hated the sun. He hated the heat. He hated the exposed skin of the humans he saw walking by. He hated it all. 

When it was warm outside Loki stayed very much indoors. He would lock himself away in his room with a book and stay there until it was dark outside. This is exactly how he had spent his first summer on Midgard so far. He had read through all the books Thor had brought him and he even started ordering some on some human site called kindle. 

Loki only went outside when asked or deemed necessary. It had been a few days since he had left the home and today he had his first shipment of books coming in. Much to his disappointment they did not bring the books to your bedroom. They left the package in your mailbox or on your porch. Since this was just one book Loki knew he would have to go all the way out to retrieve it. 

Valkyrie told him that the mail ran by noon everyday so when he saw the clock read 11:30 he began to mentally prepare himself. He was a god.. A little sun would not kill him. 

Upon hearing the mail truck stop at his home Loki slipped on his shoes and grabbed the sunglasses Valkyrie had bought him and trembly reached out for the door knob. 

As he opened the door his focus on the book disappeared because there on his porch sat a flower? Yes a flower. Loki was absolutely puzzled. 

So puzzled that he briefly slid his sunglasses up to make sure he was seeing clearly. 

There was a flower on his porch. Who would leave him a flower? Loki not being able to resist the curiosity picked up the pot. There in the dirt was a piece of paper attached to a stick that read “To bring a little summer in your home.” 

Sorry to whomever brought him this but this flower was ugly. Completely hideous. It had no leaves or no pretty colors. It was just green and circular. It’s only other feature was spikes.. Loki knew because he poked his nose on one trying to smell it. It didn’t even smell nice. This was the ugliest thing he had ever seen and he had seen his own father naked once. 

Loki didn’t want this flower or summer nowhere near the inside of his home. He just wanted his book that was waiting for him to retrieve from the mail box. 

Loki couldn’t just leave this flower here though. Valkyrie a few weeks ago had brought him a book on the environment and how to be more environmentally friendly. She thought it would help him come more to the liking of summer. It did not but from his reading Loki knew that he couldn’t just let this plastic container with a ugly ass flower just sit here and waste away. So Loki thought up the great idea of taking out the flower, throwing it to the yard next door(where it could grow peacefully) and reusing the plastic as a holder for his knives 

Loki was anti summer not a monster. With his great idea he reached down to grab the plant out of the holder. He grabbed it with both hands and let out a scream that the whole neighborhood probably heard. 

“OH MY JOTUN.” Loki hollered out. This plant had spikes all over. This plant was no flower. It was a nuance. Loki was going to do a good act and allow it to grow in his neighbors yard and this is how it repaid him. 

This plant entire existence should be ended and spent in hel. He was a god and it dare injured him. 

Loki went back inside with his hands full of spikes and grabbed the lighter he kept in the end drawer of his island. He held the lighter between his fingers to avoid making contact with the spikes. 

Once back outside he got on his knees and prepared to punish the plant in the way he believed it deserved. 

Right as he was going to flick the button he heard his brother, Thor, yell out. 

“Loki, What in Valhalla are you doing? 

“Brother. This unknown species appeared on my porch and it defaced my skin.” 

“Loki. Loki. It’s just a flower. “ Thor said as he reached down to remove it from its spot on the porch. Immediately he yelled out and threw the cactus toward Loki. Loki not wanting the cactus to hit him in the face reached up and grabbed it. Again he felt this plant intrude on his perfect hands. 

Loki yelped and threw it back at his brother. Who again caught and threw it back. If anyone walked past they would be questioning what in the world these men were doing. Standing on the porch throwing a cactus back and forth. Why didn’t they just drop it? Why were they playing hot potato with it?

Loki was afraid to let the cactus fall anywhere else but his hands. He didn’t want it to harm anything else. He wanted to be the one to deal with it. But how when with each catch many more spikes filled his hands. So there him and Thor sat tossing this plant back and forth like it was a ball. Each taking turns yelling out in pain and throwing it back in the air. Their immediate response was to throw back in the air which it came from and to rejoice in the few moments of it not being in their hands. 

Not being able to take anymore Loki threw a blast of energy at the cactus mid air. The whole plant caught on fire and fell to the ground. Once on the ground Loki watched it with disappointment. Loki felt like burning all of its kind to the ground. 

Loki and Thor sat there and watched the cactus turn to a black crisp. Their hands bleeding and full of spikes. They say there on the porch and questioned why this plant species would even exist. Was it’s purpose just to be a complete nuance to society?

As the brothers sat there in confusion, Valkyrie approached their home. 

“Oh my god. You destroyed the cactus I got you.” Valkyrie gasped. 

“Cactus more like SPAWN OF ODIN.” 

“Loki you’re been holed up you in your room so I brought you this. I thought it would be good company since it’s so easy to take care of.” Valkyrie said.  
He supposed it would have been easy to take care of. It could have just sat on his counter and now here it laid on his porch. 

“WellI. Valkyrie it’s also easy to burn.” Loki now feeing silly that he ruined a nice gift from his friend. 

Valkyrie coming over to the two of them. “Loki is there anything you won’t burn? I’m running out of gift ideas.” 

Loki just laughed. They spent the next four hours removing the spikes from Loki and Thor’s hands. They knew that they would look back and laugh at this. Loki did like to burn things. Especially things he didn’t understand. Cactus are ugly and useless. To Loki they will always be qualified to burn. But next time there’s a gift on his door step he will give it more than 5 minutes before burning it.

On this fine summer day, Loki added cacti to the list of useless things that exist on Earth and to his personal list of “burned before I thought “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated! Also, I know this is a hard time for everyone and I just want to say I’m here for anyone that wants to chat. My Twitter is @nlghtlovers and my DMs are open for all. I hope everyone is staying safe!


	5. Loki Vs. Chores

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki is asked to clean up after himself for the first time and he thinks he is doing a great job! Valkyrie does not agree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. Day five of the quarantine series and today I decided to write a little different. Loki isn’t pissed off but smug! I hope you enjoy reading as I did writing.

Author’s Note: Hi. I started something called the quarantine series. It’s going to be a series of fun and light hearted one shots to help readers and other writers get through this hard time. I made a a03 collection and a tumblr tag. To join just write a fun, soft, and/or light hearted one shot and post it to the collection @Quarantine_Series or tag it on tumblr as #quarantine series. Anyways enjoy!

Since the destruction of Asgard, Loki and the remaining Asgardians lived on Earth. They lived in Norway where it was rainy and cold. Loki loved it. 

Loki would walk up and down the pier greeting all those he saw. Everything about New Asgard was perfect for him. The weather was cold. The people were nice. The new food was delicious. The only thing that Loki didn’t like is all the responsibilities Valkyrie had placed upon him when she became the new king. 

It’s not like it was hard or burdensome. He just didn’t want to do it. Valkyrie gave him the duty of watching over the people and keeping them out of trouble. That was the exact opposite of Loki. Well the old Loki. Loki was tryna to be a better person who actually was respected by his community. So with plenty of whining he spent all day every day watching and protecting the people. 

There wasn’t much to watch since most of them spent their day fishing, weaving, or conversing with others. On days like this Loki (making sure no one was watching him) would take off his shoes, and dangle his feet into the icy water. 

Today just so happened to be one of those days; so Loki was on the pier with a book and his bare pasty feet just kicking the water. He would be embarrassed if someone was to find him like this but at this time of day everyone was busy in their homes. So he allowed himself a little bit of relaxation and would occasionally scoop down to splash the water. Loki loved the way it chilled his skin and relaxed his blood. 

Before leaving his room Loki hadn’t listen to Thor’s advice to not stay out long cause there was a big storm coming. He had just ran out like his Asgardian ass was on fire. So when the first raindrop touched his skin Loki was pissed. He gathered up his shoes and ran home to avoid the down pour that was sure to come. His feet sliding in mud puddles as he went. By the time he reached the home he shared with Thor and Valkyrie he had mud clear up to his knees. He was like a wet dog. 

He walked in and his feet left little black imprints across the linoleum flooring. He sat his shoes down by the door and immediately went to the sink to wash his hands that were now also covered in mud. The brown water splashing over the dishes that were in the sink. After he was done he stripped his wet muddy clothes off and threw them into the laundry room. Someone would clean up after him. They always did. Not caring that he left a huge mess in his arrival Loki retired to his bed to take a much needed nap. It was tiring to be a good person. 

“LOKI ODINSON. GET YOUR JOTUN ASS IN HERE.” 

Loki immediately woke up from his nap. Damn it Valkyrie. She knew that he didn’t sleep well at night and always came home for a afternoon siesta. How dare she disrupt it. This better me good Loki thought to himself. 

Loki quickly slid on a pair of pants and a black shirt and made his way into the kitchen. There waiting for him was a very pissed off Valkyrie. 

“So I am not sure if you think there’s a maid coming in, but there’s not. There is mud on the floor, the dishes, and the laundry. And you just left it there.” Valkyrie stood there with her arms crossed. He would never admit it but Valkyrie mad was a little intimidating. 

“Val.”

“Don’t Val me. Thor and I have been cleaning up after you since we moved here. It’s one thing to wash your three pairs of black clothes but it’s another when you act like a pig.” 

“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.” Loki said. He didn’t get what the big deal was but knew it was best to just try to make her less angry. 

“You’re right you won’t because today you will be not the god of mischief but the god of cleaning. So get a pair of gloves cause it’s about to get dirty.” 

Val left after briefly describing how she normally cleaned everything. She of course left him with a list of things to clean. She said she would return in awhile to check in on him and he had better be finished. Never in his life had he had to perform such belittling tasks. He was a god. He should not have to tidy up anything. Valkyrie was his king and he would respect her orders. So he slid on the pink rubber gloves she had left him and stared at the mess before him. 

Loki thought these tasks would be easy but they were far from it.

First up was laundry and he couldn’t tell the difference between the soap and the softener. They looked the same to him. He had no clue how much to put in or how much clothes went in one load. Loki assumed it was as easy as just add soap, add water, add clothes, and then bam clean. With that mindset he stuck in 2 cups of each liquid and toss all the clothes in the hamper in the water. He closed the lid and mentally checked it off his list. 

Next, he was to mop the entrance and the kitchen of the brown mud foot prints he had left. The mop was soaking wet and he had no clue how splashing water all over the floor, circling it with a cloth was going to make anything clean. He tried to ring out the mop but is uncoordinated spoiled ass kept hitting himself in the face with the end each time. He grew so tired that he dumped the whole mop bucket across the floor and said fuck it. It would dry and when it did it better be rid of mud or he would set the mop and bucket on fire. 

To the dishes which he assumed would be the easiest. He filled the sink with water and began to scrub at the plates and cups. The whole issue was that they had been sitting in the sink for hours so the mud was dry and hard. So he struggled to return the dishes back to their white state. He was a god and surely he could buy new dishes so if he couldn’t get it off he just threw them in the trash. It made his job extremely easy because when he was done they were left with one plate, one bowl, one cup, and a handful of spoons. Everything else was broken in the trash. 

He assume he was done and believed he did a good job. As he was drying the remaining dishes Valkyrie arrived back home. She walked in and was immediately disappointed. She saw the dishes that laid shattered in the trash and the puddle of water that formed around the sink. 

She reached in to the trash to pick up the remains of her favorite coffee cup.

“Loki, you can’t just break everything when you can’t figure it out.” 

“What do you mean? Of course I can. See?” Loki slammed the one remaining plate to the ground. The shards now floating in the water. 

“Problem? No more!” 

“LOKI.” 

“I don’t know why you’re so mad. You’ll never have to do dishes again. We will just eat out.” 

“No. Loki. What about the floor? It’s soaked and ruined.” 

“Okay well let’s throw down some sea salt and act like it’s the beach. I do love me some fun.” 

“Loki you are so..” Valkyrie never finished her sentence because at once there was a loud commotion coming from the laundry room. 

“LOKI WHAT DID YOU DO?” 

“The laundry. Like you asked.” 

Soapy water came pouring underneath the door. The water now mixing with the muddy water. 

“Hey! At least the floor will be clean.” Loki said. It was true. The soap would rid the mud from the floor. The way he winged everything and yet it was going so smoothly for him. No dishes, a clean floor, and laundry was done. Good job Loki. 

Valkyrie slowly opened the door and screamed. The washer was overflowing with water and soap. She quickly ran to turn the water off. Loki stepped through the water to see if the clothes were at least clean. Much to his surprise they were clean and now pink! Wow the magic of this machine! 

Valkyrie came up behind him to discover the state of the clothes. She sighed. 

“Loki did you not sort the clothes? Like I said specifically said to.” 

“I did. I sorted the clothes from the hamper.” 

“You turned them pink. You broke the washer. You broke all our dishes. You ruined the floor. Loki, you are to never do chores again.” 

“I would rather burn this whole house down than touch another plate.” 

“Well because of you that won’t be a problem. “ Valkyrie walked off. She would spend the rest of the day calling maintenance and repair shops to come fix the mess Loki had made. 

“You’re welcome.” Loki smirked. He was proud of himself. He didn’t want to clean and yet he did such a great job. Such a great job she never wanted him to do it again. He considered that a win. He would be more considerate in the future but damn no one can solve the dishes like he can. Valkyrie is probably just mad that she didn’t think of the idea of breaking all the dishes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Comments and kudos are always appreciated. Please stay safe and take care during this hard time. Please reach out if you need someone to talk with. :)


	6. Loki vs. 3-in-1 Soap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki might be a greasy bitch but at least he’s not as gross as the ones that use 3-in-1 soap. What will happen the one time he has no choice but to use it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day six of the quarantine series and this was inspired by a good friend of mine. THANK YOU JAN! I just thought it would be funny to write since loki canonically showers with ale and crow vomit and still despises 3-in-1. Anyways hope it makes you laugh.

Author’s Note: Hi. I started something called the quarantine series. It’s going to be a series of fun and light hearted one shots to help readers and other writers get through this hard time. I made a a03 collection and a tumblr tag. To join just write a fun, soft, and/or light hearted one shot and post it to the collection @Quarantine_Series or tag it on tumblr as #quarantine series. Anyways enjoy!

There was a lot of things that humans did that Loki would never understand. One of those things were 3-in-1 soaps. You know the one bottle that serves as a shampoo, conditioner, and a body wash. The first time loki went to the store he saw the shelves full of those. He wondered why a person would want their intimate areas to smell the same as their hair. 

Loki knew that he wasn’t up to beauty standards but this was atrocity. 

He might wash his hair in crow vomit and wash his body in ale but at least he would never do vomit or ale all over. He was a man of delicacy. He pampered his body in the way he knew. Once again he was disgusted by humans. 

Loki had promised himself to never buy a 3-in-1 but he had a hard time finding an Earth equivalent to his Asgardian routine. Self care as the humans called it. 

In the beginning he tried just using the products that Valkyrie used but they left him feeling dry. They made him smell like a giant fruit that had been soaked up of all its natural juice. 

He then tried the products that Thor used but they left him smelling like wood shaving. Musky. Loki felt like he was going to start cutting trees down with the smell he had. They made his skin flake and his hair itch. 

Loki needed something that would preserve his natural beauty. Loki knee he was greasy but damn he made it work. He wanted a protect that didn’t take that away. A product that would clean him of the dirt and the oil but the grease must stay. Without the grease was he really Loki? 

It had been months and he had yet to find a product that worked for him. If this is how the humans felt then no wonder they looked so horrible. He always found the Midgardians to be repulsive. Know that he was living in their world he could understand why. Their products took away all their natural beauty and replaced it with chemicals and oils. With thousands and thousands of products to be bought and sampled just to be left disappointed. No wonder they were all depressed. 

It had been a few days since Loki had showered. He had been just lying around so felt as though he was still pretty clean. A little dirt didn’t hurt anyone. He also didn’t want to make the choice between smelling like a fruit arsehole or a tree stump. Loki didn’t care what others thought about his appearance. He wanted to be respected but not based on his looks. He wanted them to respect him for the powerful god that he is. It wasn’t the people he was worried about but himself. The smell of himself made him want to vomit. That’s bad when Loki was used to showering with vomit but the smell of human products made him want to not even be in the same room as himself. 

One day Loki decided to leave his room and read out in the gathering area. That’s where he spent the majority of that sunny Monday morning. He read 3 books for dummies before Valkyrie came walking into the room. 

“Loki! You are soaking the couch!” 

“Oh! Hello! Val!” Loki said sitting up and placing the book in his lap. Soaking the couch? What did she mean. His clothes weren’t wet. He hasn’t spilled anything. When he looked up at her she was pointing down at the couch cushion. As he followed her glance he realized the couch cushion was soaked where he had led his head. 

“Damn! Loki! Getting pretty greasy are we?” Thor said walking past to see where the two of them were standing. 

“I suppose the two of you would like if I took a shower.” 

“YES!” Thor and Valkyrie said in unison. 

Loki liked the grease but he knew there was a point of too much. This was that point. Loki sulkily walked to the bathroom despising the thought of the human atrocity of soap. He stripped himself of his clothes and reached in to turn the cold knob all the way over. You know the human joke women take hot water to remind them where they are from? Loki actually did. Loki took freezing cold showers to soothe his skin and his frost giant mind. 

As he got in he looked over at his soap options. To his surprise there was a new player in the game. Tree stump, fruit arsehole, and a minty 3-in-1. Oh those monstrous 3-in-1. Today he would put aside his hatred and confusion and give it a try. 

He opened up the lid to the 3-in-1 and almost vomited. Smelled like Christmas in a bottle. Oh it was horrid. How would any man want his dick to smell like a candy cane. 

He squirted some in his hand and began to work into his greasy curls. 

Loki went to take another whiff to see if actually smelled that horrible or if it was just a first reaction. As he leaned down he accidentally squeezed the bottle and the soap went flying on to his face. Loki screamed out as the 3-in-1 seeped into his eyes. He dropped the bottle to the floor. 

THE PAIN

Loki now unable to see moved to grab a wash rag to rinse his face off but stepped on the bottle he had just dropped. Loki felt himself slide across it and reached out for anything to grab on to. There was nothing. Loki felt against the shower floor. He felt himself lying in the 3-in- 1 that had went all over the floor when he had stepped on it. He just laid there; cursing the universe. Cursing the creator of 3-in-1 soap. 

When he finally did get over the humiliation he wrapped himself in a towel and stepped out to the hallway. He had to walk past the gathering area to get to his room. As he did Thor and Valkyrie was waiting for him. 

“Having fun in there?” Valkyrie said to Loki as he tried to quickly pass to his room. 

Loki looked toward them. His eyes were red and almost swollen shut. He had bruises that were beginning to form on his shoulders where he had hit. He was limping due to pulling his ankle when he slid on the bottle. 

“Damn Loki. You look worse than you did when you went in.” Thor said earning a laugh from Valkyrie. 

“I will never use 3-in-1 again. No. I will never use a shower again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always kudos and comments are appreciated. Stay safe and take care.


	7. Loki vs. Cows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki is scared of cows and is determined to expose them for what they really are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello day seven of the quarantine series and today Loki is confused and scared by the existence of cows. I just want to say sorry because I did miss uploading yesterday so I will be uploading twice today. This is one of my favorites yet and hope y’all will enjoy it too.

Author’s Note: Hi. I started something called the quarantine series. It’s going to be a series of fun and light hearted one shots to help readers and other writers get through this hard time. I made a a03 collection and a tumblr tag. To join just write a fun, soft, and/or light hearted one shot and post it to the collection @Quarantine_Series or tag it on tumblr as #quarantine series. Anyways enjoy!

On a clear and warm Sunday Loki was woke up at dawn by the sweet screaming voice of Valkyrie. 

“LOKI GET UP. WE HAVE PLACES TO BE.” Valkyrie screamed before walking back out of him room. Shutting the door behind her. 

“Damn. Can’t a god get a little respect.” Loki thought to himself. She was his king so he would let her behavior slide. They did have places to go today. Loki had agreed, now regretted, to go with Thor and Valkyrie to a farm nearby to look at buying some of the land for Asgardians to live on. They wouldn’t destroy the farms or remove them but would peacefully live and help. Currently they lived by the pier in Norway but some of the people wished to expand outwards. So Valkyrie thought it would be a great idea to buy co-ownership of the farm land. She probably needed him to come along for his charm. 

She has warned him to dress in clothes he didn’t mind to get ruined but Loki was flabbergasted. How dare she expect him to go anywhere without looking his absolute best. He had a reputation to uphold and this farm would not intervene. So much to Thor and Valkyrie’s disappointment Loki walked out of his room in his usual black Midgardian suit. 

“Loki, you are going to stick out like a sore thumb.” Valkyrie groaned out. 

“As I should. All walks of life should have their eyes blessed by my exquisite sense of style.” Loki said with a smirk. 

With that the three of them piled into the back of a truck and made their travels to the nearby farm owned by a young man and his husband. 

Upon their arrival Loki was instantly filled with disgust. There were these creatures roaming around the land. Large creatures with black polka dots. They made monstrous noises between their kind and at the three of them. Every time they “moo’d” Loki felt his insides quiver. They were huge. They could probably crush him with one step

Loki was three minutes into a staring contest between one of these creatures when the owner of the farm and his husband finally came out of his home. 

“Ah! Yes! Hello! Welcome to my farm. I’m Daniel. Daniel pointed behind him at his husband. “This is Oakley.” “ And this is our herd of fluffy babies.”

“Babies. These are not babies. These are..” Loki began to say but was interrupted. “ LOKI” Valkyrie said while elbowing him in the chest. 

“I have much business to do today but I looked over the proposal you sent me. I love it. I would love to share my farm land with your people of New Asgard. We can set up an agreement in the future but for now tell your people they are welcome. “ Daniel said before moving to shake hands with Valkyrie. 

His people would have to share land with these creatures. Oh how the children would be in terror. 

“It is so nice to meet all of you. I have to leave for a meeting but my husband will show you around the farm.” With that Daniel left in his pickup truck and Oakley began to describe the setup of the farm. 

Loki heard none of it. He just kept his focus on these creatures. These creatures that could strike at any moment. 

He saw his brother and king move closer to them but he stand in his spot. He wasn’t scared. He was.. he was cautious. He was practically immortal. They could crush but not defeat him. Loki was a god and he would not be intimidated by such mewling earthly creatures. 

Loki puffed out his chest. Untuck his shirt from his jeans to blow in the wind. He straightened his posture. He ran a finger to through his hair to push back the strands that were falling in his face. He focused his attention one creature in particular. He was bigger than the others. He had bigger spots and smelled more horrid. He was their leader and Loki would overcome him. 

Loki began to walk toward him but as he got closer the cow looked at him. His monstrous gaze stopped Loki in his tracks. Come on now Loki it’s just an animal. He can’t hurt you. 

Loki took another step which made the cow let out the biggest moo Loki had heard. The cow began to move. The cow took a step toward Loki and that was it. Loki was done. Loki ran toward the truck as fast as he could. His heart beating out of his chest and his hands sweating he grabbed the door handle and threw himself into the seat. There he stayed until Thor and Valkyrie came back to go back home. 

“Sorry for running off like that. I heard my phone ringing.” Loki said trying to hide his shaking hands. 

“Loki, you don’t even have a phone.” Thor said to his brother. 

“Uh. I heard a phone ringing. Didn’t want them to go to voicemail.” 

“Okay so who was it? 1-800-scared of cows.” Valkyrie said teasingly. She saw him run off frightened after that cow moved toward him. 

“I AM NOT SCARED.” Loki screamed. The glass in the car shook from the waves of his voice. 

“If you say so.” Thor and Valkyrie said. They knew the truth. The poor Asgardian god was frightened by a cow that was much of his own food source. 

They rode in silence for the rest of the trip home. Loki actually didn’t talk to anyone for the rest of the day. He raced to the library and checked out every book they had on “cows”.That night Loki learned every bit of information that humans knew on cows. He read for so long that he fell asleep in the chair with the book on cows milk on his chest. When he woke up the next day he had a game plan. He would paint himself with blue polka dots and return to the farm. He would show that he was like them but better. He was stronger and more fierce. He would be over them. 

So Loki spent 2 hours painting blue dots on his body and clothes and another hour traveling back to the farm. When he arrived he was in a state of confusion. The cows did not have spots. They were brown. They had changed over night. They knew he would come back to challenge them today.. They had powers not native to this earth. 

Loki got back in the truck and shook in his seat the whole way home. Cows were shapeshifters and he must warn the people before it’s too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always kudos and comments are appreciated.


	8. Loki vs. Facebook

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki reads books and wants friends to talk to about said books. Loki joins Facebook to find said friends to talk about said books.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Day 8 (I did two posts in one day since I forgot to upload yesterday so this is my actual on time post) of the quarantine series and today Loki is absolutely confused by Facebook. I hope this makes someone laugh as much as it did me.

Author’s Note: Hi. I started something called the quarantine series. It’s going to be a series of fun and light hearted one shots to help readers and other writers get through this hard time. I made a a03 collection and a tumblr tag. To join just write a fun, soft, and/or light hearted one shot and post it to the collection @Quarantine_Series or tag it on tumblr as #quarantine series. Anyways enjoy!

After a few months of living on Earth, Valkyrie had bought Loki a phone as a present. With his more positive mindset and less “I will rule the world” attitude she thought it would be a nice way of bringing him into the modern world. People say you can do anything and everything on a phone

Loki used it just for books.

On the first day of having his phone Loki discovered that you could download books and read them on this device. In the comfort of your hand and at your own speed. It was glorious. They were called ebooks and to Loki they were the greatest thing he had discovered on Midgard. 

He read all day long. If he wasn’t doing the duties asked of him he was in his bed reading a new book on his phone. At this point he had read hundreds of books. Sometimes 20 books a day. He read anything he could find on every topic. He began to understand Midgard and the way people acted the way they did. 

The day that Valkyrie found out that he just used his phone for reading she was appalled. She had spent a good bit of change on the phone and he wasn’t using it for the purpose she intended. She intended him to use it to interact with the Midgard world, make friends, and have fun. All of the apps were already installed and yet the only one he cared about was Apple Books. 

No matter what she said Loki just did not care about it. Why talk to people when he converse with all his favorite fictional characters? Why deal with human drama when he could learn about history? Why get out of bed when he could stay in bed? 

After a solid talk and Valkyrie ordering as his king Loki agreed to give social media a chance. He clicked on the blue icon with a fancy f in the middle. It came up with a welcome to Facebook page. 

“Facebook. Do I put my face on a book?” Loki thought to himself. Maybe Facebook was where you uploaded photos and texts to a book all about your life. Like an autobiography but digitalized for all to see. 

The first step was to make an account. It asked for an email and a password. The only email he had was the one he had set up to attach his books to. He typed in “noobmaster69@aol.org” for the email and then “godofmischief” as the password. Easy and simple. 

Next he was to select a photo for his profile. Well Loki didn’t have any photos of himself. He didn’t have any phone of anything. He didn’t know why people had to document and capture their face… it wasn’t going to change every few minutes. Loki pressed a button and it opened up to be his face. Oh the camera. Since he didn’t have a photo of himself it wanted him to take one. Well he would cave to the wishes of the technology just this once. Loki stared into the camera while it took his photo. He looked as though he was a greasy 30 year old man that was desperate for any form of interaction. Perfect. Loki selected next. 

Then came the questions. What was his name? He tried to type in “ I am Loki Odinson, prince of Asgard, rightful king of jotunheim, god of mischief” but it cut off after As.. Why ask for his full title if it couldn’t handle it. Angry that it didn’t have the capacity for it all he shortened it to “Prince Loki.” 

Where was he from? Easy Asgard. Well actually Jotunheim but he was practically kidnapped and raised on lies. Okay let’s just put “Not Earth”. Where did he live? Easy. After the destruction of his home palace he now lived in New Asgard on Earth which was technically Norway. Once again they didn’t want the full story just a location. Why ask if they didn’t want to know? Loki groaned. He clanked in “Earth” 

Where did he work and go to school? Loki did not work. He sat around and enjoyed himself while others worked. He was a man of great pleasure. He was too occupied of his own needs to do a job. He ended up typing in “self employed.” He was taught by his now deceased mother everything he was taught. She taught him to read, to write, to do magic. There was no school; just Frigga. In that box he typed in “the arms of Frigga.” Which was the absolute truth. 

Relationship status? Single. Lonely. Fuck Midgardians.

Lastly a bio for people to get to know him. What was something he could write that would allow anyone that clicked on his page to truly grasp his godlike personality and existence? He smirked. In the last box he happily typed. “I tuned into a snake. Almost killed my brother. Tried to topple the government. Found a love for books. In that order.” 

Loki was now an active member of Facebook. Valkyrie would be proud of him. He was doing it. Taking the first step to make friends and overcome his burning hatred for anyone that wasn’t from Asgard. Valkyrie has explained that people would send him friends requests and once he accepted it they could see each other’s posts and converse. So all Loki had to do was make a post and wait for the friends request to start pouring in. 

What should his first post be? Lol knew just what to post. 

“I’m Loki Odinson. God of Mischief. Now humans I ask you? What are you the god of? “ Loki pressed post and sat back in his bed triumphantly. He was pissed off that the site didn’t have the capacity to handle anything about him and he had no choice but to shorten everything down but the thought of finding a human that didn’t make him want to take over was exhilarating. 

Loki waited a few hours. In that time Valkyrie and Thor both added him on Facebook. Thor said he even made a post to his millions of friends to go friend his mischievous brother. So Loki waited some more. 

After a few hours Loki came back to see he had 200 friends requests. He was like a kid on Christmas morning. He accepted every one of them. 

But then Loki started to hate this site. Why you might ask? The people were absurd and ignorant. Hundreds of people starting replying to his post saying “god of drinking coffee” “goddess of throwing it back.” “God of donuts.” They thought it was funny to joke. To be a god is no joking matter. To be a god is surely not to be of such foolish items. Gods are powerful. Gods do not throw it back or drink coffee. At least not just those things. To be the god of something is to have it so instill into your being that if it was taken away you would be nothing. Coffee and donuts… humans knew nothing of sacred godlike belongings. 

Worse people started poking him. Every few minutes he got the notification that so and so poked him. He just wanted to reach through the phone and break whatever finger they were poking him with. How dare they poke a god. To poke him like some kind of farm animal. He would be respected.  
Even worse these women started messaging him asking to see his snake. His snake what could they mean. Loki could not shape shift into a snake and take a photo. They sent him revealing photos begging for his snake. No they could not see his snake form. They were not worthy. 

The things these people posted. They whined and groaned about their lives. Posting about their day at work or what their snotty kid did today. No one cared and certainly not Loki. He thought Facebook would be humans worshipping him and begging to get to know him. So far no one had asked him any questions about himself or his childhood. How could they befriend him if they did not know his tragic backstory?

Valkyrie had said if he wanted to become friends with people he should make a post that was more relatable to humans. Loki figured that most humans knew how to read. So for his last attempt of the night to connect to these midgardians he made a simple and relatable post. 

“What was the last book you read?”

Loki could not wait for their responses. He loved talking about literature with people. He was excited until the responses actually came in. 

Loki was appalled, disgusted, and scared all in one. 

People were replying such radical things. Someone said “I read the constitution everyday to protect my gun rights.” Another person “ I read erotic fiction when my husband won’t touch me.” Another saying “ I read company reviews so I can properly bitch my way to a discount the next time I visit there.” And then worst of all “Why read when we can do something more exciting?” What on earth could be more exciting than reading a good book? Yes, Loki loved a good party. Loved drugs and alcohol. Loved sex and orgasms. Loved it all but nothing would top the serotonin that went to his brain when he finished the last page of a book. 

The people on Facebook were helpless. Loki slammed his phone on to the counter. If they couldn’t partake in a discussion over books then they could not be discussed to at all. He would not be posting on Facebook again. He would not poke or message another human. He would leave his profile up just so they could think about what they done. Ran off a god that could have blessed their own life. 

Loki got in his bed and thought about all the amazing books he would read in the next day and how one day someone would want to discuss them with him. One day he would have a friend. Until then fuck you creepy women that wanted his snake. Fuck middle age men that whined. Fuck everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Always kudos and comments are appreciated. :)


	9. Loki vs. Tinder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki wants to find someone that will be his mischievous and pleasurable partner on Midgard but is disturbed by the people he finds on Tinder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. I owe the biggest of apologies. I said this fic would be uploaded daily but for the past 3 days I have worked 14 hour shifts at my job and had no energy when I got home to do much of anything. For that reason I decided to write a super long one shot. Over 2.5 words of Loki as an apology. I will try to keep uploading daily but life is getting more hectic. I loved writing this on my day off and I hope y’all will enjoy.

Author’s Note: Hi. I started something called the quarantine series. It’s going to be a series of fun and light hearted one shots to help readers and other writers get through this hard time. I made a a03 collection and a tumblr tag. To join just write a fun, soft, and/or light hearted one shot and post it to the collection @Quarantine_Series or tag it on tumblr as #quarantine series. Anyways enjoy!

Since moving to Midgard, Loki had been saying how much he despised Midgardians. They had no sense of self pleasure or dignity. They had horrible taste in fashion and listened to music that made Loki’s ears want to bleed. They complained too much and never did anything with their lives. They slaved away to the system. It was just repulsing to Loki.

Although he loathed the humans he was starting to desire their company. It had been months and the only people he had to talk to were his brother and Valkyrie. The other Asgardians were still wary of him: as they should be. Loki might have been mind controlled, but it really hadn’t been that long since he tried to kill everyone in New York City. The Asgardians wanted to believe he had changed but there will always be a sense of fear toward him.

He didn’t want friends. Jotun no. The last thing Loki wanted was a mewling quim to get emotionally attached to him. Friends were clingy. Loki wanted someone that he could share mutual hatreds with that would lead to many hours of pleasure. He wanted what those Midgardians called a fuck buddy. 

Loki didn’t have a preference. Didn’t care if they were male, female, neither, or in between. Didn’t care what they looked like or what they identified as. He just needed a warm body that would let him use it as he pleases and share in his mischievous ways. 

But back to the fact that he hated Midgardians. He absolutely hated the Midgardians and did everything in his power to annoy and complicate their lives. 

Had Loki told anyone that he was looking for a sexual mutually hating partner in crime? Absolutely not.

They were would think him a fool. The god of mischief scheming around with the people he hated. Fraternizing with the enemy. Conversing with the low lives. Seducing the quim of all quim. Well now that Loki thought about it: that’s 100% something he would do. Flipping sides and manipulating a situation for his own self gain was right up his alley. 

Loki didn’t leave New Asgard much other than to attend to the duties asked of him but today he would venture out to find the seductive ways of the Midgardians. He would learn their ways and then use them against them to find him one that would submit to him in all ways. 

This scheming plan that would be sure to blow up in smokes is what lead Loki to be sitting in a dimly lit café shop talking to a pretty blonde named Marlo. 

“So, you say you aren’t from around here?” Marlo said taking another sip of their caramel macchiato 

“Oh, definitely not from around here. You could say I’m out of this world. “Loki winked. 

“What exactly brings you here? To Norway? You could go to any place and you choose Norway?” 

“Well, I didn’t get much choice. You see? I kind of helped blow up my home and then had to fight this toxic bitch from outer space and then I stole this blue cube and traveled back in time to not be choked out. Don’t get me wrong I love choking but this was choking gone wrong. Did I mention I faked my own death to do all of this? Anyways I helped save the world and now I half willingly half begrudgingly live with my older better brother and this former alcoholic that rules over this place about 20 minutes away. Lived there for a few months but now I am looking for a partner to get into some reckless fun with.”  
Marlo stared back at Loki with the eyes the size of saucers. He took one last sip of his coffee and began to stand up. 

“Let me ask you. Do you tell everyone that story?” 

“Actually, you’re the first person I’ve ever told. Huh what a little caffeine and espresso does for the mind. I just opened up like a can of sardines.” 

“Nice tragic story bro, but from the sounds of it you’re a little bat shit crazy and that’s not my vibe.” 

Marlo began to walk out but Loki grabbed him by the wrist. “As a god I feel ashamed to be even in this room but young mewling quim I need your assistance.” 

“What did you just call me?” Marlo looked extremely appalled. 

“Oh Jotun. Sorry just a pet name I have for Midgardians... I mean humans. “ 

“Oh okay. I don’t know what you want but never call someone that ever again.’ 

“Gotchu. Will you machinate with me? 

“Will I what?” 

“Will you machinate with me... scheme... conspire... plot the plot of all plots.” 

“What exactly is it you are wanting?” 

“Easy. I want someone to have sex with. To talk about the things, I hate. To discuss all the ways, I want to overthrow Earth and make it better. To pleasure and be pleasured. I want a thot. “ 

“OOOOH I understand now. You little lonely in that imaginary world of yours and want someone to share in your agony.” 

“Exactly my mew- morally obligated human.” 

“Try tinder.” 

“Timber? “ 

“No, tinder.” 

“Sitter?’ 

“No. Tinder. Here just look. “Marlo got out their phone and opened up this app. “Tinder. You make a profile and it will show you people in the area that you can match with. If you both match up then you talk, meet up, canoodle, do whatever the hell that dark tragic heart of yours desires. “

“You must help me make a tinder. The fate of the world depends on it.” Loki grabbed Marlo’s phone out of their hands to expect this site. It was just full of people wanting the same thing he wanted. 

“God you are dramatic. The world isn’t going to be fall apart just because you are lonely and horny.” Marlo took their phone and began to swipe through to show Loki the setup of the app. 

‘I once burned down a building cause I was bored. You don’t know what I’m capable of.” Loki glared at them. How dare they question their actions. When Loki said something, he meant it. No dramatics. If he didn’t talk to someone outside of the people residing in New Asgard and soon who knows what he would do. Arson was definitely in his future. 

“Okay don’t get your leather in a bunch. I’ll set you up an account. “

So there Loki sat with Marlo for the next hour setting up a tinder account.

“First up. What is your name?’ Marlo asked. “Didn’t you say it was Lewis? 

“LEWIS. I AM LOKI ODINSON PRINCE OF ASGARD RIGHTFUL...” Loki was about to rage scream his official title for this whole café to hear but he was rudely interrupted.

“I am going to stop you there buddy. I am putting Loki. How do you spell that? Le

“LO! L O K I!” 

“Damn alright. Anyways. What is your birthday?”

“My birthday? How am I supposed to know that? 

“Didn’t your mom and dad ever celebrate it like literally every year that you have been alive?” 

“My dad kidnapped me from my home and my mother and him kept him in their string of lies until one day I was finally told the truth. I was born a long long time ago. Thousands of years before your life was even thought about.” 

“Okay so I’m going to make a date up. Let’s just say you are 23.” 

“Moving on. What is your gender?” 

“I am above and unbound by your mortal limitations of identity.” 

“Okay so gender nonconforming.” Marlo finished selecting that option. “You know to get yourself a partner you might want to try not being so hostile and dramatic every time someone speaks to you. I don’t just a tip.”

Loki stood up from his chair with his knife withdrawn. “I am not hostile. I am just bothered by your mewling questions in my search for mutual pleasure. “

“It was just a tip. You do you. So, what is your sexual orientation? You know what are you into?”  
“I like anyone and everyone that meets the eye. I do have a preference for men that need my expertise and women that need my saving. Do with that as you wish.” 

“Alright. Preferences so bisexual. Show everyone. Almost done there Lewis.” 

“Loki.” 

“Right. Loki.” 

“What do you want your bio to be? Something that says who you are to attract people’s attention.” 

“God of more then just mischief. I carry big things in these pants.” 

“Err. Are you sure?”

“Who are you? The god of questioning? Do as I say.” 

Marlo said nothing for a few minutes. 

“Location is turned on. Questions all answered. Now we just need some pictures.”

“I have no photos.” 

“That is alright. We are going to take some. Just pose.”

Loki just sat there and stared at the camera while Marlo snapped a photo. 

“Look less pissed off.” 

Loki groaned and forced a smile. 

“Now you just look constipated.” 

Loki huffed. He did his very best smirk. 

“You look like you are about to burn down an orphanage.” 

“I am about to burn this place down if you don’t hurry up.” 

“Okay maybe just do a close half smile half smirk. Tilt your head a little and look less like a pissed off greasy sewer rat.” 

Loki did his best to do as described. It must have been good enough because Marlo did not suggest another pose. They just tapped away on their phone. 

“Okay. Done. Just swipe through. Swipe left for those that don’t interest you and swipe right for those that do interest you.”

Loki did that for over an hour. Swiped left on the ugly mewling quim or the nerdy sulks. Swiped right on anyone that seemed like they could offer him some machinating. 

Loki ran into a slight problem. For all the hassle it took to setup this tinder account it wasn’t very awarding. No one would swipe right on him. He had yet to get a match. He looked good in his photos. Greasy and permissive. Looked like he was ready for a good time.

When Loki finally got matches and would try to talk with the humans they were strange. The strangest one yet was when he matched with this very attractive slim brunette that lived closed by. Upon the match the women sent him a message that left Loki happy.

“I heard you carry big things in those pants. Care to let me see?” 

Loki smiled upon reading. Finally, someone that wanted to get to know him. He removed his knives and placed them on the table and sent the woman a photo of them. 

“Mhm. Kinky. What else you got hiding in all that leather?” 

Damn. This woman wanted to know all his dirty secrets and treasures. Loki didn’t show many people, but he had his own little pocket dimension where he hid all of his prized possessions. He had no plans to show a complete stranger the tesseract but since they seem so interested what would be the harm. 

He slipped the tesseract into his lap and snapped a quick photo before putting it back in the one place it was safe. He was excited to see her response, but it was not one of awe of the mystical space orb that Loki carried the powers and burden of. 

“Mhm, what is that big box holding? 

Loki replied with. “More than your human mind could handle.” Loki genuinely felt like this woman was someone that could end up being a partner. She took great interest in him. She was funny and pretty. Talkative and apparently had amble of free time since she was talking to him. Loki thought that until he clicked back on the messages to see that she had blocked him after sending “The only big thing in your pants is the big lack of understanding of when a woman wants to see your cock. Loser. 

Loki was in utter disbelief, but it only got worse from there. Person after person would converse with him for a few minutes and them block him out of complete frustration. Loki was just trying to make conversation and there was nothing more important to him than his knives, hair comb, and the tesseract. HE meant that he literally had big things in his pockets. The tesseract ain’t small and neither is his knives. Loki wanted sex, but he wasn’t going to whip his dick out for these people especially when they played with his feelings like this. They acted interested in his knives just to see his dick. How rude. 

Loki was growing rather fed up with this app. Loki finally decided to give up on his scheme for mischievous pleasure when he clicked upon a message that left him sick to his stomach. 

“You aren’t the only one with big things.” And there was a naked hairy nasty white cock on the screen of Marlo’s phone. Loki almost threw up. Don’t get him wrong he loved men but not men who flaunted their nasty private areas. This man looked like he hadn’t washed in decades and that’s coming from the man who literally showers with crow vomit. This man was repulsive, and he could take him and his arguably big dick far away from Loki before Loki used his big thing in his pants to cut it off. 

The whole time this was happening Marlo sat beside Loki laughing to themselves. 

“Do you think my failure is funny?” 

“Yes. I don’t know what’s more hilarious you sulky when no one matches with your or you being repulsed by the only people that will.” 

“This is not as easy as I imagined it would be.” 

“Welcome to the real world. It’s a whole bunch of nasty dicks to the face. In this case I should say screen.” 

Loki groaned and leaned back against his chair. Today was a complete disaster. He had not managed to find him a partner or even a supply of people wanting to be his partner that weren’t creepy, repulsive, or downright weird. Loki did a lot of weird things and wasn’t the best at being normal, but these people were worse than Loki could ever be. Loki chugged the rest of his coffee while Marlo continued to laugh, 

“Tinder might not have worked but I must admit Lewis. I have grown fond of your pent-up anger and greasy dramatics. I would be cool to hang out again.” 

“It is Loki.” 

“I know, but I love seeing you get all fed up when I call you Lewis. Just make sure you bring your knives next time, so we can compare.” 

“Oh, I see, you think you got big things in your pants. We will just have to see.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always kudos and comments are appreciated.


	10. Loki vs. Concerts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After bailing Loki out of some trouble, Thor asks Loki to attend a concert with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. I don’t really like this one but figured I would share it anyways. I hope this makes someone laugh. Please stay safe :)

Hi. I started something called the quarantine series. It’s going to be a series of fun and light hearted one shots to help readers and other writers get through this hard time. I made a a03 collection and a tumblr tag. To join just write a fun, soft, and/or light hearted one shot and post it to the collection @Quarantine_Series or tag it on tumblr as #quarantine series. Anyways enjoy!

Loki didn’t care much for music, He never understood why Midgardians would spend their time blasting loud obnoxious noises into their ears. Also, didn’t understand how they enjoyed it. He didn’t like it but since permanently residing on Midgard his brother Thor had found a love for it. He blasted it through their home and would dance around like a psycho. Loki thought Thor a fool for it. 

Thor had been pestering Loki to attend a concert for the last few months. Loki had repeatedly said no but knew he would no longer be able to decline the offer. Loki had recently run into some trouble leading Thor to bailing him out. Literally. Loki was arrested for assault. He did nothing of the sort, but the police officer insisted that Loki had come at it. What had actually happened was that one-day Loki was walking down the road flipping his favorite blue knife and a police officer had stopped to question him. Loki was not a fan of this man tone and pointed his knife at the officer. Loki wasn’t going to stab him, but the officer said that he had to jump back to avoid being plunged in the gut. What a liar. Upon Loki’s arrest they confiscated the knives on him and threw him in a dirty dark cell.

He spent two whole days in the jail because the police department had no clue who Loki was and how to contact someone to bail him out, Loki wasn’t from Earth, so he did not have a fingerprint on file or even a social security card. The entire police department was perplexed by his existence because to their computer system Loki simply did not exist. Yet he did and he like all others will have to serve the time for his crime. On the second night of his confinement Loki astray projected to New Asgard and pleaded with his brother to free him. Sure, thing the next morning there Thor was with a big wad of cash to free him and recover his prized knives. 

With that situation in mind Loki knew the next time Thor asked he would have to go. He did in fact owe his brother and how horrible could a concert be. 

The dreaded ask came two days later. Loki was in his bed reading a book over astronomy. It was a calm and bright day. He was in a pleasant mood. He was until Thor came waltzing into his singing one of those songs he was always blasting. 

“Oh brother! Do you recall when I got you out of that sticky situation? 

“How could I forget brother. It has only been a week.” 

“Oh, how time flies when you are having fun. Speaking of fun how about you and me go to a concert tonight. There will be alcohol.” Thor emphasized the last part. Loki wasn’t fond of Midgardian alcohol, but something was better than nothing. Since Loki didn’t have any form of identification he could not lawfully buy alcohol even he was thousands of years past the required age. The people would just not believe it. So, the only time he received alcohol was when he stole it, much frowned about by Thor and Valkyrie, and when he went to an event that served it to all guests. 

“Ah yes brother. I do owe you so just this time I will join you.”

“YES!” Thor practically jumped with joy. Loki knew that Thor loved hanging out with him, but they just didn’t like the same things. Loki liked raves and clubs meanwhile Thor loved campfires and concerts. They were like polar opposites and yet they still loved each other dearly. When Loki had no one, he had Thor. Thor was the only one that gave him chance after chance and saw the good in him. So even though he knew he would hate every minute of it if this concert would make his brother happy he would attend. 

“Alright Loki. Be ready by six and where something that isn’t black.”  
At a quarter to six Loki walked out of his bedroom in a olive green shirt and grey denim jeans. It was the only thing he owned that wasn’t black or Asgardian custom clothes. He felt like a teenager that was trying to be cool. He wasn’t going to impress anyone, so he swallowed his pride and put on a smile for his brother. 

Thor on the other hand was absolutely ecstatic. He was in a plaid button up shirt blue denim jeans and boots. He was grinning ear to ear. The minute Loki came out Thor gave a big holler of excitement and practically dragged Loki out of their home to take a truck into the city.

They arrived at the concert venue within the next forty five minutes and immediately Loki wished he had said no. Just from the look of the people entering the venue he would be miserable. Everyone entering was dressed in cowboy hats and boot. The men and the women were plaid shirts and both were equally acting loud and obnoxious. 

As Loki walked with Thor toward the entrance Loki groaned. The person taking the tickets was a blonde chick with a plaid shirt tied at her breast level. She was in cutoff denim shorts that showed the bottom of her undergarments. She was loud. Too loud. Loki wanted to throw his ticket at her and tell her to shut up before she found her mouth bound. Instead he calmly watched as Thor handed the tickets to her. 

“HOWDY THERE BOYS. YALL READY FOR SOME FUN” 

“No.” Loki simply said. Thor was beside him talking about how excited he was and had been looking forward to this all day. 

Loki left his brother at the ticket stand to push his way into the venue. He thought maybe it would be better once inside, but it was not, 

Thor had left out the part that this was a hillbilly concert. Loki wasn’t even trying to be offensive. A person that walked by him held a sign promptly stating that it was a hillbilly concert. The sign read “Hillbillies get down too.”

Everyone I mean everyone looked like they should be in the wild west. Loki didn’t usually complain about humans showing off a little skin but now he was. Their attire and the way they presented themselves repulsed Loki. 

He pushed himself thought the crowd of sweaty exposed bodies to find the bar. Once there he was even more repulsed. They just had beer. Cheap piss. This was their suck ass excuse for alcohol. The whole reason why he was here. Loki remembering, he was doing for this Thor laid down a few bills and took one of the beers. He took one swig of the beer and spit it out on the ground. 

“Real men drink beer.” A woman sitting at the bar scorned at him. He reached for his knives to realize he left them at home. 

‘Real women know not to pester a man that could easily destroy them.” Loki spat at her. Pardon his language but fuck her. If he had his knives he would hold them at her throat until she cried out in mercy. He might not want to take over the world anymore, but he would not be disrespected. 

Not being able to stand the taste of this piss he threw the half full can on the ground and removed the lighter from his pocket and set it on fire. 

“Oh, brother there you are!” Thor said before realizing that Loki had set a can of beer on fire and had attracted a crowd. 

“Please excuse my brother. Its not a concert without a little spilt beer am I right?” Thor said before grabbing Loki by the arm and dragging him to the other side of the room. 

“Loki, what did I tell you about burning things?”

“Do not belittle me brother. That Midgardian piss made a fool out of me and I smite its existence as punishment.” 

“Just stand here and have some fun. The concert is starting soon.” Thor said before taking a swig out of his own can of fermented piss. 

The concert did start but Loki did not have fun. 

The music was horrendous. It was loud. Obnoxious loud. The people let out yeehaws like they were farm animals. At one point the man beside Loki made the comment that he loved this music which Loki returned by screaming “THIS IS NOT MUSIC.” 

Worse than the music was the dancing that followed. The dancing looked like an exorcism ritual. The people shook their bodies and bent them in ways that should mot be normal. They thrashed against each other and yet out shared simultaneous hollers. Loki felt as though he was watching a whole crowd of people possessed by a spirit and this country music was expelling them of their farm demon. 

As the night went on the crowd got worse. Even his brother began to thrash around and swing his beer in the air. Later Loki would ask what happened and Thor would just say he was overcome by the music. Overcome by the music? The only thing Loki was overcome by was the urgent need to bleach his eyes and wipe his memories of this event.

When the crowd began to sway, Loki let out a groan. The people around him assumed he was joining them in their pleasure but he was not. Every time their shoulder pressed into his body he had to stop himself from grabbing them and snapping them in half. 

At one point the stranger beside him bumped a little too hard into Loki taking him by surprise and knocking him to the concrete floor. That was loki last straw. 

“I do not know what kind of hoe down throw down you people think this is hit if you so ever even think about touching my godly skin I will remove your bones from your body one by one.” 

The people around him just stopped. They stopped dancing. The must stopped playing. The people all stopped to look at Loki. 

“I am a god and I will not be disrespected and touched by you distasteful rowdy animals.” 

Thor just watched in disbelief as his dear brother screamed at a venue of people. 

“ I did my best to enjoy this time for the sake of my brother but you farm animals sad are just not worthy of my company.” With that Loki felt arms reach around him and he was picked up. A very large human carried him outside the venue and threw him on to the ground. 

“Do you know who I am?” Loki screamed at the man. 

“No and I do not care. Move another inch and I’m calling the cops.” 

Loki was absolutely appalled that he was thrown out. He was even more appalled that Thor did not quickly come out to him. Instead loki spent the next 2 hours on the ground outside of the venue. When Thor finally came out he was completely hammered. . He was smiling and laughing to himself 

“Brother. You are such a pain. Kicked out of a concert. If only mother and father could see this. They would laugh so hard they wept.” 

Needless to say that Loki never attended a concert after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always kudos and comments are appreciated.


	11. Loki vs Piano

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki discovers the piano.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll be honest this isn’t loki being pissed off at anything. I saw a tweet about loki being angsty and playing the piano so I decided to write this one shot about Loki discovering the piano and his love for it. So it’s not super funny but I still wanted to add it :)

Loki Odinson was not very happy about living on Midgard permanently. He had done his best to adjust their way of life but everything they did just plain out annoyed and bewildered Loki. They did the strangest things and invented the most useless contraption. He had lived on Midgard for almost a year and there were few Midgardian belongings that did not irk him. Music had always been one of those things that annoyed Loki. He just didn’t get the point of it. Didn’t understand why people would blast loud music into their eardrums for fun. Listening to music to Loki was another way Midgardians were wasting away their life. 

He thought music was another pointless human concept until the day he was convinced to play an instrument. It was the piano. He was at bar on the east side of the city and they were complaining that their entertainment hadn’t showed up. The manager had asked Loki if he knew how to play and Loki being the smug god he is claimed to know. Did he no but he was a god and he could do anything that these mewling quims could do. How hard could it be to go up and clang some keys? So, Loki went up on the stage and looked upon the piano for the very first time. There was white and black keys and he didn’t have the fondest idea how to even place his fingers. He took his index finger and clanged on the white key in the middle. A loud noise filled the room. Easy enough thought to himself but as he continued to clang on random keys in no rhythm or sequence the crowd booed. The rejection that he felt in that moment made him determined to learn every instrument he could. He didn’t care about the humans opinion but he wanted to prove that he could easily do what they do.

That night Loki stayed until the bar was getting ready to close. When the owner called the last round Loki promptly hide in the back-stock room until he left. Once the owner was gone and the bar was completely alone Loki made his way back to the piano he was determined to conquer. This contraption of wood, metal, and string would be under his power and control by sunrise. Loki one by one clanked on each white key to hear the noises that each made. The white key in the middle seemed to the middle starting range for the notes. As he went up from that middle key the range got higher and as he went down from the white key the range got lower. The black keys changed the sound of the note, It would still be higher or lower than the note before it but the pitch of it was slightly changed. To Loki it was like the black keys were the stepping stones between the white keys. 

Loki was quickly flustered and frustrated by the piano. He was quick to understand how the notes went up or down in range as he hit a different key but he did not know how to make the music that he heard Midgardians play. It was like they played one note after another in an order that made a unique sequence that was pleasing to the ear. At least their ear. With this in mind Loki tried positioning his hand so that his fingers could easily move key to key. He started with the middle key. He used his thumb to hit that key his pointer to hit the second key, his middle finger to hit the third key, his ring finger to hit the fourth key, and his pinky to hit the fifth key. Once he did that he went in the opposite direction. Hitting each key with the proper finger until he reached the middle key again. He did the same with his left hand. 

“Ah. That’s how they do it,” Loki finally understood. For the rest of the night he messed around playing different sequences of notes. He wrote down the sequences that he liked on a scrap piece of paper. He did not know the scales but instead labelled them by number with the middle one being zero and the rest going up to twenty-five. The notes that went up in range were just marked one through twenty-five. The ones that went down in range he added a negative sign in front of the one through twenty-five. The black keys he saw as the in-between notes so he labeled them as half of whatever key it was between. He repeatedly did it until he had a whole sheet of music. Once he finished one sheet he started another. By sunrise he had fifty sheets of music sitting on the piano. Loki was so caught up in the piano that he didn’t even hear as the owner came inside to open the bar.  
“Excuse me? What the hell are you doing in my bar?” 

Loki jumped; knocking the sheets that were in his lap on to the floor. 

“Ah. I am Loki. I needed a piano and it was either I used this one or I stole one?” Loki said to the owner. 

“I do not care who you are. I am calling the place.” 

Loki gasped. “Don’t care who I am? Well you should. I am a god and you should be honored to be in my presence. Honored that I would be sitting in your bar using your piano.”

“What are you the god of? Breaking and entering?” 

Do not accuse me of committing one of your silly Midgardian laws. I am a god and I can choose to enter and leave a place as I wish but for your information I did not break in anywhere. I was here during your hours of operations and just never left. There is a difference.”

“Okay “God” give me a reason why I shouldn’t be calling the police?” 

“Well. I just spent the last eight hours mastering the piano and have wrote give or take twenty-five songs which I would be willingly to play for your bar tonight.” 

“You mastered the piano overnight?” 

“Don’t be so shocked. I destroyed my home in less than thirty minutes. There is nothing a man with his lucky knife can’t do. I know it must be so upsetting to hear that once again us gods are able to easily learn and sufficiently perform better than you whiny Midgardians.” 

“You have three minutes before I call the cops. Play something that blows me away or your ass will be in handcuffs.” 

“Oo kinky,” 

“Shut your mouth and play.” 

“Why don’t you make me?” Loki said back to the owner with a smirk, 

The owner just glared at him, so he figured it was time he stopped being a smug tease and show the owner how he perfectly mastered the piano. So, without another word Loki began to play the music he spent all night writing. It was a mellow ballad. It was not too slow but not too fast. It was a range of the high and the low notes. Loki’s fingers seemingly moved along the keys hitting them with precision and passion. Overnight he had discovered why humans liked music. It was like an out of body experience. He felt like he was lifted from reality to a plane of existence where it was just his soul with the music. He felt his heart beat as he played each note. With each move of his hand he felt his lungs inhale and exhale. With each sequence change he felt as his body moved with it. He wasn’t dancing but his soul swelled with the music that his own mind produced, and his fingers performed. Loki had spent this whole time hating music when he didn’t understand it. Now he did. When he finished his song, he hurried up and wiped away the single tear that began to fall. He was overwhelmed with such ease and emotion. He had mastered their concept of music. 

He glanced over to the owner to find him in a fit of sobs. 

“Not to be dramatic bro, but that’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. You don’t belong in jail. You deserve to be in the hall of fame. That shit was breathtaking yo.” The owner said in between gasps. 

Loki trying to hide the fact that he was almost in tears that the owner liked the song he played moved from the piano. “Oh, you humans. Always crying over everything. Well I should be on my way.” 

“If you must leave then just now that you have a real skill. If you think the piano was easy then try the electric guitar. Try any instrument you can get your hands on. I don’t know what you’re the god of but maybe it should be music.” 

Loki rushed out of the bar in tears. Never in his life had he been told he was good at something that wasn’t causing chaos and mischief. He had been told by his father how he was only good for playing pranks and causing trouble. Loki was the one that messed everything up but when he was playing piano he felt like he was doing something right for the first time ever. He would take the man’s advice and learn every instrument he could. Electric guitar would be fun. Very edgy. Very punk. Very mischievous. That was the instrument that he should be playing. Loki wouldn’t play the piano for anyone ever again. It made him vulnerable and vulnerability is a weakness. Loki was not weak. 

“I am better at piano than they will ever be.” Loki said to himself. He said it to remind himself that the whole reason he learned it was to prove that he was superior. 

Loki would never admit this, but he snuck out of his room every night to return to the bar to play the piano. He would sit there and cry. He would play until his heart was relieved of its ache and his soul of its burdens. The piano soaked up and stored his pain and made it into something beautiful. Finally, something that Loki touched didn’t turn to evil. The owner would come in the following noises to find an empty bar, but he knew that Loki was there that night. He couldn’t prove it but he started to leave the door unlocked so that Loki didn’t have to sneak in. Like he said he was not the god of breaking and entering.

And maybe just maybe he wasn’t just the god of mischief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always kudos and comments are appreciated.


	12. Loki vs. Electric Guitar.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just angsty Loki playing the guitar while belting my chemical romance at 3 am much to the frustration of Thor and Valkyrie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today I decided to spice this one shot series up and write people being pissed off by Loki. I still chuckled while writing cause angsty smug Loki is my favorite.

Author’s note: I made a post on tumblr but if there is a certain thing you want me to write Loki being confused or pissed off by then comment or message me. I’m always open to ideas. This one today is actually based on a tweet I saw about punk Loki playing the electric guitar. 

“Loki, for the love of Asgard would you shut up?”

Loki Odinson laid in his bed with an electric guitar in his hands and his heart on his sleeve. He was in agony. He was in despair. With the screaming of Valkyrie telling him to stop his playing he strummed another note. 

“Valkyrie, for the love of Jotun could you not interrupt my mourning?” Loki yelled back. What was he upset about? Loki was mourning the loss of his stance of a god. He still had the title of a god but not the stance of one. The Midgardians took him as a fool. As a joke. They weren’t scared, intimidated, or even in awe of him anymore. When they saw him on the streets they just ignored his presence. He was a… he was a Midgardian to them. He was repulsed at the thought of being taken as a mewling quim. When he first arrived on Midgard the people feared him. Then they just hated him. then they were just indifferent to him. Now it was like he lost all emotion over these humans. How would he ever make it in this world if he was no longer above them. He still had his powers, but they took him as some greasy magician. A party trick. The other day he turned into a snake to scare them, but they just applauded and threw their spare change at him. 

Loki Odinson, the God of Mischief, was done for. He was just Loki. Boring old Loki. Without his stance of a God what was there to live for?

So, there he laid in his bed face red from crying and his heart so heavy he felt although he was sinking into the mattress. When he glanced at the clock on his wall it read 3:15. Three in the morning. No wonder Valkyrie was asking him to shut up. He just could not numb his aching soul. The only thing that understood him was this electric guitar that took the aching and turned it into noise for all to hear. It amplified his pain. It understood. If Loki was sad then all around would know it.

He started to strum along to a melody that he learned the other day. As the melody continued he started to sing the song. He knew it by memory from all the nights he spent belting it until his voice was gone.

“I told you time and time again. You sing the words but don’t know what it means. To be a joke and look. Another line without a hook. I held you close as we both shook for the last time. Take a good hard look.” Loki sang quietly to himself but as he approached the chorus. He felt the sobs return to their confinement in his throat. He started to strum faster. His raw fingertips soaking the guitar strings with the liquid of a god that knew who he was no more. 

“I’M NOT OKAY. I’M NOT OKAY. I’M NOT OKAY. I’M NOT O-FUCKING-KAY”

“LOKI, I SWEAR TO NEW ASGARD. YOU WILL REALLY NEVER BE OKAY IF YOU MAKE ME COME UP THERE AND MAKE YOU SHUT UP.” 

Loki screamed. How inconsiderate she was being. Could she not tell her dear friend was mourning the greatest lost someone could have? He could not be quiet. Not even for a minute. He was like a siren. Come near and hear the cries of his voice. 

“FUCKING FIGHT ME VAL.” Loki yelled; strumming a chord as loud as he could. 

“I AM COMING UP THERE TO WOOP YOUR SAD EMO ASS.” 

“REMEMBER HE IS NOT EMO JUST ANGSTY.” Thor screamed from his bed He was clearly awake from the doing of Loki. 

“Brother shut up before I smite your bed chambers.” 

“Go ahead and burn me brother but Mother would never forgive you” 

“Don’t bring mother into this.” 

“Did your mom raise you to be this much of a crybaby or did you learn that all on your own.” Valkyrie said. She was trying to provoke a reaction. She would get a reaction all right. 

“THAT IS IT.” Loki said. He jumped out of his bed and turned his amp full blast. He used his powers to bind his door close. They wanted him to be quiet, but he was the god of mischief. Causing trouble and discomfort is what he did best. 

Strumming as loud as he could Loki continued the song he was previously singing. 

“YOU WEAR ME OUT. FORGOT ABOUT THE DIRTY LOOKS.” Loki jumped and slammed his feet against the floor. 

“THE PHOTOGRAPHS YOUR BOYFRIEND TOOK.” He used his mind to throw a book against the wall. 

“YOU SAID YOU READ ME LIKE A BOOK, BUT THE PAGES ARE ALL TORN AND FRAYED. “He slammed the book against the other wall. 

“BACK TO THE CHORUS. EVERYBODY NOW.” 

“I’M NOT OKAY. I’M NOT OKAY. I’M NOT OKAY. I’M NOT O-FUCKING-KAY” Loki said stomping his feet with every word. No one in this house would have peace while he was in such agony. 

The sound of the electric guitar vibrated through the whole house. There was not a room you couldn’t hear the playing of the angsty heart broken god. Loki fell to his knees as tears started to fall down his cheeks. The electric guitar slumped in his lap. 

All the sudden all the lights in his room went out. 

“Now go to sleep Loki or I’ll smash your guitar against your head and use it to construct your jail cell.” Valkyrie screamed from her room. 

That little… she turned the power off on him. His electric guitar was nothing with no electricity. Just like he was nothing without his stance of a god. Loki sat on the floor with his guitar in his hand until he fell asleep like that. His tears falling against the wood of his one of the kind Gibson. Even when he had nothing he had this guitar and here he would stay with it. He might not be the god of mischief to these Midgardians, but he was easily becoming the God of Angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always kudos and comments are appreciated


	13. Loki vs. Quarantine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki going crazy while stuck in quarantine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The coronavirus is very very serious and is disrupting everyone’s lives. I got asked to write this because we are all in quarantine and well this is the quarantine series. I just thought it would be relatable. I tried to be as considerate as possible and steer away from making a joke out of it. So this is just loki being bored and pissed off in quarantine. I hope everyone is safe. Be like Loki and wash your hands.

Loki laid stretched out on the brown sofa in the living room. His greasy curls were flung over the arm rest and his legs kicked out across the top. He was bored. He had never been this bored and one time he was literally imprisoned in a cell. Even in that cell he could pester the guards and his mom brought him things to do. There was nothing in this house to do. He spent his whole day staring at the ceiling or talking the ears off Thor and Valkyrie. 

The sun radiated through the window of the apartment to illuminate the entire room. Loki closed his eyes to block out the sunlight, but his mind still felt exposed. It had been three weeks since Loki was allowed to leave this house. He didn’t leave it much before but now he was stuck. Stuck between these walls with only his annoying brother and his pestering king. He ran out of books to read and now he just slept, ate, and wandered around the house. 

The reason that he was stuck was because of a new virus that was plaguing the entire country. Coronavirus. What a little bitch it was. Loki thought that when he moved to Midgard his time of dealing with treacherous assholes would be over; but this was his greatest enemy yet. It was too fast and adaptable for anyone to conquer. It wasn’t a physical entity, so he couldn’t take his favorite blue knife and plunge it into her monstrous heart. To be honest it made Loki feel powerless that he couldn’t do anything to fight back or stop it. He wanted to be their savior, but he did not have the intelligence or the means to be as such. So, he did what everyone else was doing. Staying inside and washing his hands often. 

This quarantine was driving him absolutely bonkers. He couldn’t go out to bars or clubs. He couldn’t go pester the humans in the park. He couldn’t sit by the pier judging people as they walked by. The social distancing wasn’t the part that drove him crazy. He hated the Midgardians. He didn’t want to talk or hangout with them. It just drove him mad because he couldn’t chaos or pull pranks or judge people. He loved isolating himself but being forced too was another thing. He wanted to be in his bed but the minute you told him he had to stay there he wanted to go out. 

The only person that went out was Valkyrie to check up on the people and deliver supplies. She took precautions. She made sure to stay six feet away and wash her hands, but she just couldn’t leave her people out there to starve or be crippled with fear. When she came home at night Loki would listen to her talk about the supermarkets being out of products or raising the prices on the products they do have. How she had to wait hours in line just to get in. How people were still going out and hanging out with friends when there was so much at risk. 

Loki wished that his damn neighbors would stay inside. Leaving to go to the grocery store or for essentials was one thing but his damn neighbors were always out and about. If Loki could stay in his home and give up his plans of mass chaos than they could give up their brunches and happy hours. 

One day Loki couldn’t take it anymore. 

It was the Friday of the third week of self-quarantine. Loki was sitting on the sofa watching as his neighbors left for the day. He told himself when they got back he would give them a piece of his mind. So, he went and got a piece of paper and a pencil. Wrote a friendly reminder on it. Retrieved his small knife from his desk and went to the window to wait for them to return. When he saw their car pulling into the driveway he cracked the window just a smidge. Just enough for his hand to fit out. As they got out of their car Loki flicked his wrist and threw his small knife. It landed in the middle of the door right as they went to open it. They jumped out of surprise and fear. They looked back at Loki, but they could not see him. All his neighbors saw was a sign that said, “Stay inside or Ill burn your house down you mewling quim.” 

Loki smiled to himself. That was how he could help fight this virus. Threaten all his neighbors to staying home to prevent this virus from spreading more. With that thought he returned to the couch and laid down. Once again Loki would be the human’s savior. Loki drifted off to sleep feeling content with what he had done. Would he actually burn their house down if they left? Loki did love arson but probably not. He just wanted them to feel threatened so that this virus would peak and be over. He wanted people to get better so that they could return to some form of normalcy. 

“LOKI ODINSON. WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THREATENING ARSON!!” 

Loki yelped from his position on the couch. “I DID IT FOR THE PEOPLE.” 

“I don’t care. Loki I am the ruler of New Asgard. It is my job to keep my people protected and safe. You can’t go around threatening to destroy them.” 

“Correction I said I would destroy their homes. Not them. I am an arsonist not a murderer.”

“I know you are bored. I get it we all are but read a book. Watch tv. Play some video games. Leave the neighbors alone.” 

“Valkyrie you don’t understand I miss the pier. I miss dangling my feet out and judging the people. I just want this to be over, so I can go do that again.”

“Just stay there. Ill be back.” Valkyrie left the room. Loki truly did miss the pier. It was the only place on Midgard that he didn’t completely hate. He loved the water. It was cool and crisp. Even when it rained he would sit there and be content. He could watch people from afar. He could watch as the fish swam in the water and how the sun would peek out from the clouds. The pier was smelly, but it was his happy place. 

After an hour had passed Valkyrie came back to the living room and instructed Loki to follow her. He got up from the sofa and walked behind her as she went to the bathroom beside Loki’s room. When he entered his breath was taken away. There was a tablet holstered on the wall above the bathtub. It was a video of people just walking along. The bathtub was filled with water, but it wasn’t clear water. Valkyrie had taken salt and dirt and mixed it with the water. It smelled just like the pier. Loki almost burst into tears. 

“Sit down. Stick your feet in and watch this playlist of videos of people walking along the pier. Splash the water. Smell the fish. Judge the people. Just leave my people alone.” Valkyrie said before departing the room to leave Loki to this setup. 

This quarantine was hard. Hard for Loki and for all involved. It changed all their lives. All Loki and others could do was be safe and take care. Loki plopped his feet into the smelly musky water with a smile on his face. He would get through this. Everyone will get through this. One day this virus will be a thing of the past and all of this will seem like some twisted long dream. Everything will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always kudos and comments are appreciated.


	14. Loki vs. Easter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki’s very first Easter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Easter if you celebrate. If you don’t happy Sunday! I really liked writing this and I made it extra long to make up for not writing in a few days. Enjoy!

Tw: FOOD

Loki had lived on earth for almost an entire year and there had been a lot of weird holidays he had seen the Midgardians celebrate. To his understanding they had some religious aspects to them but one that he found strangest was Easter. Easter was supposed to be a day to celebrate the rebirth of the Midgardian’s Jesus but there were a few things about this holiday that perplexed him. Loki didn’t understand how eggs, candy, and bunnies had anything to do with Jesus, but he promised Valkyrie that he would not be so judgmental toward Midgardian ideology. HE didn’t understand but maybe now he would. Today was Easter and he heard Midgardians talking about it for weeks. He saw ads on the tv and signs at the convenience stores. 

Valkyrie had told the night before that they would be attending a community Easter egg hunt that they were kindly invited to. All New Asgard was invited and most of them shared the confusion as Loki. With orders from Valkyrie to go in open minded as possible and use this as a way to make good relations with Midgardians, Loki with the others journeyed to the event. 

Loki was already rather mad. He was woke up by Valkyrie in the early hours of the morning and forced to “clean up”. When he had sat up in his bed she laid a new pair of clothes and new hygiene products. Loki wasn’t aware that he couldn’t just go as himself. Grease and all. Instead he was forced to take a shower and do his best to look Midgardian as possible. Loki stepped out of the shower smelling disgustingly like peppermint and his skin red. He slid on the clothes that Valkyrie had gave him which was grey trousers and a plain pink long sleeve dress shirt. He grimaced in the mirror. He looked ridiculous. Like a sunburnt kid mated with a plant. He was very much not in his usual “witchy” attire. He felt out of his own skin and plunged into the skin of some mewling Midgardian with no fashion sense or backbone. When he walked out into the living room Valkyrie yelped with joy. As she fixed his hair in a half bun she told him how good he looked. He just sat there in grimace. 

This was how his morning had started but he swallowed the vomit that came up in his throat from seeing himself in such an ugly fit. He would do this. One Midgardian holiday wouldn’t kill him. 

Up until now Loki had never seen any of Easter celebrations in person. So, when he arrived he was immediately taken back by the amount of little kids that were running around screaming. He felt like he was in his worst nightmare. Loki despised kids. 

“Welcome everyone.” Loki heard someone from the stage say. Loki felt welcomed, but he wished he wasn’t. 

As Loki walked he heard a crunch and looked down to find a broken egg on the ground. Inside was a piece of chocolate. Loki felt as a little kid reached between his legs to grab said chocolate. 

“Hey, watch it or ill kick you to the nine realms.” Loki said at the kid, but the kid grabbed the chocolate and ran away. 

These little eggs full of candy were everywhere. Every time Loki took a step he stepped on one. The kids only seemed to care about the chocolate and they should be honored to eat candy that was pressed upon by a man so powerful as him. Loki understood the love for chocolate but why go through all that hassle to hide them in eggs. Why not just give the kids the candy or better yet hide the kids in eggs? Hide the kids so that the adults could be free of their annoying nuance. Loki was pretty sure that on Midgard that was considered illegal for some reason but there was several times Odin had his Loki away. If his father could do it why not these fathers. 

Loki finally reached the sitting area and plopped down at one of the tables. He saw a basket full of yellow candy shaped like ducks. Another thing that perplexed Loki. Why are Midgardians so obsessed with making their food shaped like animals? It’s like we know you eat animals but why idolize it. Loki ate meat as well but didn’t feel the need to cut the meat and candy he ate into animals’ shapes. He picked one up and thought to himself how stupid it looked. If it looked ugly maybe it would taste good? Loki took a bit out of it and spit it on the ground. This duck tasted worse than any duck he had ever ate. 

“Someone else that doesn’t like peeps. An intellectual.” A teenager said toward Loki. This teenager was sitting across from him at another table but apparently had saw Loki horrible experience with these so-called peeps. 

“I am intelligent. Thank you mewling quim for seeing that.” Loki said. He scooted the basket of yellow demons away from him. 

“Do you want to taste something that is actually good?” The same teenager said. 

“I am intrigued,” Loki said. He was at a silly Easter event with nothing better to do.

The teen  
ager scooted all the way over until he was in front of the Loki. He unwrapped this piece of chocolate from gold wrapping and handed it over to Loki. 

“I am Sam. May I introduce you to the wonders of Reece peanut butter eggs.” Sam. What a nice name. Not annoying as some Midgardian names. Loki took the chocolate from Sam’s hand and plopped it into his mouth. Oh. This was delicious. It melted in his mouth and gave his taste buds such euphoric sensation. Loki could eat these all day.

“I introduced myself. Gave you the finest chocolate and you can’t even do the same?” Sam said. 

“I am Loki. I have nothing to offer but my presence.” Loki said. All Loki had with him was one of his knives and he wasn’t just going to give it away to some kid he just met. 

“LOKI. WHAT A WICKED COOL NAME.” 

Loki smiled. No one thought he had a cool name. They always teased him for it and said his parents were just asking him to be bullied when they named him Loki. 

“Thanks, kid,” Loki said. He went to stand up to find another part of the event to explore. This Sam was a nice kid, but Loki avoided talking to Midgardians for too long. 

“Wait! I hate Easter. You look like you hate everything!” 

“I do and your point?”  
“Well. Uh. Why don’t we just sit here and hate Easter together. We don’t have to talk just watch these kids be fools and the adults be in misery.” 

“I do like watching Midgardians be annoyed.” Loki said sitting back down. 

Loki sat beside Sam for what felt like hours. They didn’t talk just laughed as the kids fell over each other and adults stared off in remorse. Loki still didn’t understand Easter. Didn’t understand why they hunted for eggs, but man was it fun to watch. 

“Everyone! We have a very special guest here today” Loki heard over the speakers. 

Loki perked up at those words. Did these Midgardians know who he was and recognized his importance? Did they finally realize they were being blessed by a god on this fine day? Loki stood up with his chest pushed out. Yes finally. Worship me Midgardians.

“Everyone say hello to the Easter bunny.” 

“EASTER BUNNY.” Loki screamed. How dare they worship an animal when they had him in their presence. Loki was appalled. Everyone was now looking at him as he stood in his spot staring down the “Easter Bunny” 

“Loki sit down.” Loki heard as a very angry Valkyrie quickly approached him. He pulled at the bottom of his ugly pink shirt and sat down with a huff.

“What is wrong with you?” 

“Wrong with me? What’s wrong with them?”

“These people are just trying to have a good time with their families while you are calculating all the ways to set that poor man in a costume on fire.” 

“This is supposed to be a religious holiday. Is it not? I see no worshipping. I, a god, is here and I see no one on their knees.” 

“Loki, how many times do I have to tell you that no one on Earth cares about what you are the god of or that you have some kinky obsession with them on their knees. These people religious practices mean a lot to them and today is about religion. They celebrated before coming today and now you have made yourself a fool in front of all of them.” 

“Okay, I’m sorry but can I at least burn the costume after the man is out of it?

“NO. Just sit here and leave everyone alone.” Valkyrie aggressively whispered before turning to go back the way she came. 

Loki felt bad the minute Valkyrie left. He once again let his ego get the best of him. Today was supposed to be the day that he proved that he could be open minded and kind. 

“Hey Sam? What is something that these people love to do on Easter?” Loki turned around to ask the teenager. The teenager just smiled at him. 

After looking for an hour, visiting four stores, and spending more money than Loki could even comprehend Loki and Sam returned to the Easter celebration. They sat down the twenty cartons of eggs on to a spare table. They sat out the cups of dye. Sam and Loki both put on the rabbit ears they had bought from the store. They hated Easter, but they weren’t horrible people. At least didn’t want to be anymore. 

“Are you ready Lo?” Loki smiled at the nickname. In the few hours that have passed he had grown to appreciate the kid. 

“Ready as the tesseract, Sammy.” 

Loki cupped his hands to amplify his voice. “COME DYE EGGS WITH YOUR GOD OF FUN AND HIS SIDEKICK.” 

Before Loki knew it piles of children were in front of him all eager to dye eggs. He hated Midgardians, but he also used to hate everything that even slightly pestered. Now his hatred had subsided to annoyance and this hatred toward Midgardians would too. He and Sam helped each child dye and decorate an egg. By the end of it their hands were dyed different colors. 

“So, the god of fun?” 

“You said that these Midgardians don’t care what I’m the god of which means I can be the god of anything and everything.” 

“This was kind of you Loki.” 

“See, I can do more than just plot arson and enjoy chocolate.” 

The three of them just laughed. As they did a kid came running by knocking the blue dye off the table. Splattering all over Loki. Normally Loki would have jumped up and tried to stab the kid for making a mess but right now Loki just let the kid be. 

“Yo, Lo. Did you know that right now you look like one of those frost giants I read about as a kid?” 

Loki froze. If only if he knew. 

Loki looked down at his hands that were dyed blue and thought about his frost giant nature. This blue skin was just silly to the humans but if they saw his true blue skin they would be terrified. Loki could be the god of everything but his true self. Loki tried to muster up a smile. He wasn’t necessarily sad. Today was a good day.

“Everyone feared them, but I thought they were wicked. Like a blue scary Easter bunny.”

Loki took a hand and ruffled up Sam’s hair. 

“Happy Easter kid. Let’s go get some more chocolate.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always kudos and comments are appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> Petty, dramatic, pissed off Loki is my new favorite Loki.


End file.
